Hey, Jason Salas!

You should write to us in the comments. That way I don’t have to make up letters I have not received.

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Full disclosure: The questions and comments at hand are completely fictional as of this moment. So… send us questions and comments, will ya?

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Dear Oddballs,

My parents own a funeral home and they want me to take over the business one day but I want to be a DJ. What should I do?

Dreams Are Dead in Des Moines, IA

Dear Dreams Are Dead,

Have you considered providing your DJ services for funerals? Sure, it’s not a rave, but it’s a gig.

Seamus C. Monster

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Dear Oddballs,

When I was in seventh grade, I had a crush on a girl named Maggie. I’m 34 now. If she’s single, how would I go about finding and courting her?

Seventh Heaven in San Diego, CA

Dear Seventh Heaven,

Your best chance to find her is to stalk her on Facebook, which I don’t recommend. After you find her, you could make yourself look successful (which I’m guessing you’re not). I don’t recommend that either. Come to think of it, I don’t recommend anything to you!

Seamus C. Monster

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Dear Oddballs,

Why is “aguas frescas” plural when I only get one cup at the farmer’s market?

Singular in Sandusky, OH

Dear Singular,

It’s the size of the cup. One agua fresca is probably only half the cup. They give you the second agua fresca in the same cup. ¿Entiendes?

Seamus C. Monster

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Dear Oddballs,

What’s your favorite movie musicals?

Show Tunes in St. Louis, MO

Dear Show Tunes,

My top three are:

• “Griddler on the Roof,”
• “Croaklahoma,” and
• “Wart Christmas.”

As you can guess, these are remakes of popular musicals, rewritten and performed by my favorite musical geniuses Froggers and Hammertoes. That said, I also like “Grease 2” simply because it’s so bad that it makes “Wart Christmas” look like a work of art in comparison.

Seamus C. Monster

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Send questions and comments to jason.salas1@gmail.com or DM them on Instagram @OddballsZine

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